Even though photos taken of me as a child show me to be physically pretty, and my grades in school reflect a higher than average intelligence, I was so conditioned by the degradation I received early on from my immediate and extended family members that for the greater part of my life I saw myself as being a physically ugly "bad kid."
That identity was primarily created in me by my mother, who not only scolded and shamed me for every childish fault that I had, she would also demote any ego-building praise I might receive from someone else in her presence. If I was told that I was a pretty little girl, for instance, she would quickly add some derogatory remark, such as, "She would be if she didn't sass her mother, bite her nails, or wet her bed. etc."
Later as an adult, I asked her why she would not allow anyone to compliment me when I was growing up, and she simply replied, "Because you were pretty and smart and I didn't want you to get the big head over it." She had no cause to worry about that possibility, because once she "planted" the suggestion into my head that I was a bad kid, that is who I became--as though she had molded me from a piece of clay. My self-image was that of a bad kid who sassed her mother, bit her nails and wet her bed.
That bad kid identity is what I then expressed back to her, by verbally sassing and physically rebelling against her, for which she would punish me in a hostile, degrading way. When I was younger it was by liberally applying my deceased father's belt to my backside, and when I grew too big to spank, a hearty slap across my mouth would temporarily stop my sassy response to her.
By the time I started to school, I was conditioned to expect that my teachers would also punish and degrade me, and my expectations were fulfilled. Since earlier on I had successfully defended myself against the bullying of my brother (who was older than I) by physically fighting him, I also fought the kids at school who tried to bully me. But, even though I was their intended victim, I was the one the teacher spanked for fighting (bullying was not against the school rules; fighting was).
The same bullying from my peers, and its consequential punishment for my defensive actions, continued throughout the elementary grades at school, so that by the time I entered high school my self-esteem had been greatly undermined; not only by the degradation I received from the authorities in my life but primarily by my own self-condemnation for being such a bad person. I hated everything about myself; my body, my voice and especially my rebellious ways.
Having noted that the kids who were more respectful and obedient to the authorities fared much better than I as far as getting the "good girl/good boy" pats on the head, I began at that time to try and conform, but my fear of failing and beng punished for it seemed to negatively affect every effort I made to try and please people, so that instead of being praised for my intent, I was scolded for not doing it better.
When I married my husband a few years later, I did so primarily because he was so complimentary and ego-building to me. Because of that I desperately hoped the honeymoon would continue throughout the life of our marriage, but it wasn't long before he also began to find fault with virtually everything I said or did. I endured that lifestyle for the first twenty years of my marriage before I finally began to seriously question what was wrong with me that I always ended up looking bad and being the loser in all of my relationships.
In seeking the answer to that, my search led me to learn more about the art of Hypnosis. I then remembered seeing a movie of a hypnotist dangling a medallion on a chain in front of a man to induce a kind of trance-like sleep in him. Then when the man became submissive and responded to simple commands such as "You are getting sleepy" the hypnotist sugested to him that he would feel like dancing when he woke up. The hypnotist then snapped his fingers; the man woke up and immediately began to dance. When the hypnotist asked him why he was dancing, the man replied that he just felt like it.
That indicated to me that one person could easily be hypnotized by another to see himself as being different than he really is, and that he could be made to act out the hypnotist's suggestions without realizing that he was no longer functioning from his own volition. I began to see then, that my mother's impatient way of caring for me when I was still an infant and toddler, as well as her overly harsh discipline later on, had carried the strong suggestion in it that I was a bad kid. With her strong willed personality overriding mine she had (possibly without realizing it) hypnotically projected that suggestion into my mind that I was a bad kid. Not realizing that I was hypnotically programmed to act out her suggestion, I then began to think, feel and act like a bad kid, just as the man in the movie had danced because the hypnotist had told him he would.
Once I understood that, I further questioned why and how I had allowed my mother to control me to the extent that she could hypnotically make me see myself as being a bad person, when I actually was not a bad person. The answer to that was: As an infant and toddler I needed her nurturing patience and reassuring love, but instead I received impatience and degradation from her. I had resented and judged her for that, and then I felt guilty for it, intuitively knowing that I should honor and respect my parent. The guilt from that resentment and judgment then caused me to feel like a bad kid, and that created a receptivity in me to accept her suggestion that I was, indeed, a bad kid.
That hypnotically created false Identity was then superimposed over my true identity and selfhood. Then, with more degradation from my teachers, peers, and even my husband, that false identity continued to be "fed." Soon, it controlled everything I said or did. If I rebelled against an authority, I looked bad; if I tried to conform and please someone but failed to live up to what was expected of me, I reaped the negative feedback of criticism and degradation and I looked bad. No matter how hard I tried to become good to rid myself of that identity, everything I did seemed to have a negative feedback, so that I continued to think, feel and act like a bad kid.
By delving into my own childhood more deeply, my search revealed more of my mother's childhood background and I found that her father had aslo been overly harsh and degrading in the way he disciplined her. However, she had meekly conformed to him and allowed him to dominate and control her, whereas I had angrily and resentfully rebelled against her. Because of that, she had received the "good girl" praise from him, and that hypnotically caused her to see herself as being good. I had rebelled though and reaped the feedback of being harshly punished, defamed and rejected, which caused me to see myself as being bad; and try as I might to be good so as to upgrade my bad self-image, I still saw myself as being bad.
By understanding what happened to my mother when she was growing up, I could no longer resent her when she continued to put me down, as I knew she was not functioning from her own true self but from her father's negative spirit that was still hypnotically expressing through her. Without the guilt for resenting her making me feel like a bad person, there was nothing in me to substantiate the bad kid identity, so it simply left me.
My self-image and personality then reverted back to that of just being a regular person; one that makes mistakes but is willing to learn and to grow--both in character and in moral virtue--from making those mistakes. As such, I no longer have that Hypnotically Created Bad Kid Identity.
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