MY HYPNOTICALLY CREATED BAD KID IDENTITY

     Even though photos taken of me as a child show me to be physically pretty, and my grades in school reflect a higher than average intelligence, I was so conditioned by the degradation I received early on from my immediate and extended family members that for the greater part of my life I saw myself as being a physically ugly "bad kid."

     That identity was primarily created in me  by my mother, who not only scolded and shamed me for every childish fault that I had, she would also demote any ego-building praise I might receive from someone else in her presence.  If I was told that I was a pretty little girl, for instance, she would quickly add some derogatory remark, such as,  "She would be if she didn't sass her mother, bite her nails, or wet her bed. etc."

     Later as an adult, I asked her why she would not allow anyone to compliment me when I was growing up, and she simply replied, "Because you were pretty and smart and I didn't want you to get the big head over it."  She had no cause to worry about that possibility, because once she "planted" the suggestion into my head that I was a bad kid, that is who I became--as though she had molded me from a piece of clay.  My self-image was that of a bad kid who sassed her mother, bit her nails and wet her bed.

      That bad kid identity is what I then expressed back to her, by verbally sassing and physically rebelling against her, for which she would punish me in a hostile, degrading way. When I was younger it was by liberally applying my deceased father's belt to my backside, and when I grew too big to spank, a hearty slap across my mouth would temporarily stop my sassy response to her.

      By the time I started to school, I was conditioned to expect that my teachers would also punish and degrade me, and my expectations were fulfilled.  Since earlier on I had successfully defended myself against the bullying of my brother (who was older than I) by physically fighting him, I also fought the kids at school who tried to bully me. But, even though I was their intended victim, I was the one the teacher spanked for fighting (bullying was not against the school rules; fighting was).

     The same bullying from my peers, and its consequential punishment for my defensive actions, continued throughout the elementary grades at school, so that by the time I entered high school my self-esteem had  been greatly undermined; not only by the degradation I received from the authorities in my life but primarily by my own self-condemnation for being such a bad person.  I hated everything about myself; my body, my voice and especially my rebellious ways.

     Having noted that the kids who were more respectful and obedient to the authorities fared much better than I as far as getting the "good girl/good boy" pats on the head, I began at that time to try and conform, but my fear of failing and beng punished for it seemed to negatively affect every effort I made to try and please people, so that instead of being praised for my intent, I was scolded for not doing it better.

     When I married my husband a few years later, I did so primarily because he was so complimentary and ego-building to me. Because of that I desperately hoped the honeymoon would continue throughout the life of our marriage, but it wasn't long before he also began to find fault with virtually everything I said or did.  I endured that lifestyle for the first twenty years of my marriage before I finally began to seriously question what was wrong with me that I always ended up looking bad and being the loser in all of my relationships.
     
     In seeking the answer to that, my search led me to learn more about the art of Hypnosis. I then remembered seeing a movie of a hypnotist dangling a medallion on a chain in front of a man to induce a kind of trance-like sleep in him.  Then when the man became submissive and responded to simple commands such as "You are getting sleepy" the hypnotist sugested to him that he would feel like dancing when he woke up.  The hypnotist then snapped his fingers; the man woke up and immediately began to dance.  When the hypnotist asked him why he was dancing, the man replied that he just felt like it.

    That indicated to me that one person could easily be hypnotized by another to see himself as being different than he really is, and that he could  be made to act out the hypnotist's suggestions without realizing that he was no longer functioning from his own volition.  I began to see then, that my mother's impatient way of caring for me when I was still an infant and toddler, as well as her overly harsh discipline later on, had carried  the strong suggestion in it that I was a bad kid. With her strong willed personality overriding mine she had (possibly without realizing it) hypnotically projected that suggestion into my mind that I was a bad kid. Not realizing that I was hypnotically programmed to act out her suggestion, I then began to think, feel and act like a bad kid, just as the man in the movie had danced because the hypnotist had told him he would.

     Once I understood that, I further questioned why and how I had allowed my mother to control me to the extent that she could hypnotically make me see myself as being a bad person, when I actually was not a bad person.  The answer to that was:  As an infant and toddler I needed her nurturing patience and reassuring love, but instead I received impatience and degradation from her.  I had resented and judged her for that, and then I felt guilty for it, intuitively knowing that I should honor and respect my parent.  The guilt from that resentment and judgment then caused me to feel like a bad kid, and that created a receptivity in me to accept her suggestion that I was, indeed, a bad kid.

     That hypnotically created false Identity was then superimposed over my true identity and selfhood. Then, with more degradation from my teachers, peers, and even my husband, that false identity continued to be "fed." Soon, it controlled everything I said or did.  If I rebelled against an authority, I looked bad; if I tried to conform and please someone but failed to live up to what was expected of me, I reaped the negative feedback of criticism and degradation and I looked bad. No matter how hard I tried to become good to rid myself of that identity, everything I did seemed to have a negative feedback, so that I continued to think, feel and act like a bad kid.

      By delving into my own childhood more deeply, my search revealed more of my mother's childhood background and I found that her father had aslo been overly harsh and degrading in the way he disciplined her. However, she had meekly conformed to him and allowed him to dominate and control her, whereas I had angrily and resentfully rebelled against her.  Because of that, she had received the "good girl" praise from him, and that hypnotically caused her to see herself as being good. I had rebelled though and reaped the feedback of being harshly punished, defamed and rejected, which caused me to see myself as being bad; and try as I might to be good so as to upgrade my bad self-image, I still saw myself as being bad.
 
     By understanding what happened to my mother when she was growing up, I could no longer resent her when she continued to put me down, as I knew she was not functioning from her own true self but from her father's negative spirit that was still hypnotically expressing through her.  Without the guilt for resenting her making me feel like a bad person, there was nothing in me to substantiate the bad kid identity, so it simply left me.

     My self-image and personality then reverted back to that of just being a regular person; one that makes mistakes but is willing to learn and to grow--both in character and in moral virtue--from making those mistakes.  As such, I no longer have that Hypnotically Created Bad Kid Identity.

  

THE WORLD OF EGOTISM

                                                        

                                                               

     In my life long quest to better understand my complex self, as well as other human beings, I have noted that, to a great extent there is a little interplay of ego one-upmanship going on in every type of relationship. In the home the parents often compete with each other for the dominant role; the older siblings lord it over the younger ones; the big kids bully the little kids at school and social and religious groups look down their nose at those with differing cultures, skin color and religious beliefs.

     By seeing this type of scenario being played and replayed in a variety of ways, it is quite obvious to me that there is a need in each person to be the dominant one in a relationship.  With further questioning, the understanding that came to me about such a need was this:  On this egocentrically dominated plane of life (which, according to the Judeo/Christian scriptures is a fallen level of life for human beings) "Survival of the Fittest" is the governing law for both animal and human being.  For the animal it pertains to physical survival, but for the human being it involves  the survival of both his physical body and his ego.

     Because of the need to ensure one's own survival, every form of creation is endowed with a way of protecting itself from being destroyed by predators.  Human beings have increased intelligence to that of the animal in order to outwit and protect themselves from being killed and eaten by carnivorous animals; they also have an ego that enables them to be aware of their own individuality or selfhood, as well as a sense of self-worth relative to other human beings (pride), whch enables them to protect their consciousness from being controlled by someone with a more confident ego.  (If another person can undermine your confidence and cause you to doubt yourself, that person can control how you think--and and how uou think, controls how you act.)

     From what I have observed in other human beings and learned from my own personal experience, the threat to one's individuality and sense of self-worth often begins when the human baby is still in its cradle.  At that tender age the child's only protective defense is to cry in protest if he is uncomfortable physically, or is emotionally afraid; therefore, it is very important for the mother or caregiver to be particularly patient in the way she fulfills the child's needs.  But in the World of Egotism many mothers fail in that regard and are impatient with their child's need, showing it, in the annoyed expression on their faces or the irritated tone in their voices.

      Human babies come into the world being totally self-centered and egocentric, and if the mother relates to it impatiently her negative actions carry the subtle inference that the child is not worthy of being treated any better.  Since  the baby's pride is an integral part of his consciousness, he will sense the degradation to his self-worth and will cry in protest--perhaps incessantly if the mother fails to reassure him.  But, if he continues to feel degraded, without any warmth of approval and acceptance from other human beings to counteract the degradation, he will, as a matter of survival, be forced to stop crying and to be submissive to the greater physical and ego strength of his parent.  I call him the Conformist.

      By being forced to be submissive to his parent out of fear, rather than being free to make that choice, the Conformist child is not moving from his own selfhood, so he can then be manipulated to think and act as his parent wants him to do. ( One often sees a balky child that has conformed to his parent, being forced to play a certain instrument or to possibly embark on a career that the parent, himself, wanted to be or do, but was forced to give up in order to conform to his parent.)

       On the other hand, there is the egocentrically created rebellious child.  Although many parents (willingly or unwittingly) use the army sergeant "technique" of degradation to force their offspring into conformity to them, other parents cater to their child and encourage him to express his own individuality.  They may even go overboard and coddle the child with so much attention and freedom to "be true to himself" that he feels superior to  them.  He is then empowered to rebel, not only against them but also to other authorities in his life.  I call him the Rebel.

      When the rebel goes to school then, his sense of self-worth is so high that he fully expects his teachers and classmates to cater to him as his parents have done.  In order to assert his superiority he is usually the kid that disrupts the classroom and antagonizes his teacher, teases and belittles the girls and, with a chip on his shoulder, dares the other boys to fight  him. He is therefore often disciplined by his teachers, and the "goodie goodie" conformist kids reject him as being a bully and a spoiled brat.  When he matures, unless he has been forced into conformity by overwhelming degradation, he will still show his contempt towards the Conformists, as well as their established social traditions and customs.  As such, he attracts, and is attracted to, negative experiences and often gets involved in criminal activities, that bring further rejection, condemnation and possible imprisonment to him. 

      But, whether the child is egocentrically conditioned to be a Conformist or a Rebel he no longer functions from his own selfhood, and because his self-image and personality have been shaped by other people's opinion (high or low) of his worth as a human being, he lives in what I call the World of Egotism.
                                                                                                      

THE OBJECTIVE VIEWPOINT

                        

       One day I was watering my neighbor’s yard while he was away on vacation when my attention was suddenly drawn to the cement block fence that separated our properties.  During the eighteen years that he and I had lived side by side, I had looked at that fence countless times, but at that particular moment it seemed to be different.  Viewing it from my side, the fence was extremely tall—perhaps eight feet or more—but from my neighbor’s side it was scarcely five feet tall.

      I laughed at my momentary puzzlement as I realized that I was seeing the fence from a different perspective than usual.  My neighbor’s yard is at the beginning of a slope and mine is further down on the incline. When the fence was first constructed it was six feet high on both sides of our lots, but my neighbor had filled the low side of his yard to be level with the high side.  That cut the visible height of his fence to five feet, whereas there had been a two-foot retaining wall added on my side to accommodate the sloping terrain, thereby making it eight feet high.

     That little moment of awareness caused me to speculate as to how my neighbor and I would each describe our fence to a third party.  He would say the fence is five feet tall and I would say it is eight feet tall, and we would both be telling the truth as we see it from our different perspectives.

     How easy it is then for people to be at variances with each other in viewing life, and how much conflict and strife can ensue from “one-sided” vision.  Therefore, for harmony and fair play to exist in a relationship with another person, each one needs to be willing to see both sides of any given situation, as the conditions that exist on one side may be totally different than that on the other side. Example: in regards to the afore-mentioned fence, both my neighbor and I would have been only half correct had we described our fence from our particular perspective of it.  In reality the fence is eight feet tall on my side and five feet tall on his.

      Different cultures, religious beliefs, financial and social status, all influence our values and approaches to life, creating a different perspective for one person relative to that of another and making it difficult for people to be totally objective with each other.  Even in one’s own family, there are personality differences in the members. One child may conform and meekly accept the rules and standards of his parents as his own, and that will be his side of the family “fence.” But, another child may rebel against those standards and assert his right to think for himself.  In that case he places himself on the opposite side of the family “fence,” and establishes a conflict of viewpoints between him/her and the parents, as well as the other siblings who may have conformed

       Once a person has a concept of right in his mind (either by conforming or rebelling to the pressures exerted against him), his sense of self-worth tends to be dependent on asserting and defending his viewpoint against those who disagree with him. Therefore, he becomes biased in favor of whatever lifestyle and viewpoint he has accepted and loses his ability to be totally objective.

     This gives rise to a “survival-of-the ego” pride-oriented environment, wherein people compete to have the dominant role over someone else. As such, the prideful individual does not seek objectivity, fair play and equal opportunity for each person to express his/her individuality and slant on life, but seeks instead to uphold their one-sided viewpoint.

      How then can a harmonious, loving society come into being with all the participants defending themselves as being totally right?  It can’t, but it can come into being if people are willing to become objective and seen both sides of every situation.  Once he takes a look at the other side of his fellowman’s “fence” he can see life as the other person sees it and understand why that person thinks and acts the way he does.

      Understanding then removes prejudice and bias and brings forth patience for other people’s perspective on life, thereby affording the individual AN OBJECTIVE VIEWPOINT

BEING TRUE TO MYSELF

                                                 


      
                                 
     In my childhood environment, conformity to the governing rules of my family was the only way to win acceptance and a “good girl” pat on the head.  But, I did not agree with everything in their culture and lifestyle, so I resentfully and rebelliously took a stand against accepting it as my own.  Because of that, my parents, grandparents and other relatives spent a lot of time scolding and shaming me to bring me into conformity to their way of thinking and acting.

      My only sibling, an older brother, had conformed to those rules, so he also tried to tear me down from my superior-acting rebellious perch by showing his contempt for me. He did so by simply sticking out his tongue and making an ugly face at me, or pinching me when no one was looking.  I stood my ground with him by making a more ugly face back at him, jabbing my sharp little elbows into his ribs or kicking him in the shins. That usually sent him crying to our mother, who, not realizing that he had provoked me into defending myself, would comfort him and paddle me.
 

      Because of my rebellious attitude I also attracted a lot of hassling from my classmates at school, and with my tendency to physically fight back, I endured a lot of degrading punishment from my teachers.  (In those days the unruly kids were spanked in front of the whole class or made to sit in the corner wearing a dunce cap.)
 

      As I grew older the humiliation and degradation I received began to erode my self-esteem, so that by my mid-teens I had lost so much confidence in myself that I began to see myself as others saw me—I was a bad kid.  Once I accepted that negative self-image to be my own, my pride was hurt and I started to mentally beat up on myself with self-condemnation and degradation.
 

      It was as though my parents, grandparents, teachers and any authority that had ever humiliated me had somehow gained entrance to my consciousness and were then doing it to me from the inside. (I later learned that their degrading actions towards me carried the covert suggestion that I was bad, and because I had resented it, the negative emotion allowed the suggestion to remain in my mind and hypnotically influence me to see myself as being bad.)
 

      Because of seeing myself in that negative light, I no longer had the confidence to keep on rebelling.  So, I conformed and began to cater to my mother, teachers and other authorities in my life for the feedback of being praised and accepted by them.  But, I did so as a defeated warrior and not out of true love or respect for them.  They sensed the hypocrisy in me and then withheld the praise I was seeking from them; justifying their action by finding further fault with me.
 

      Regardless of whether I rebelled or conformed, I seemed to always end up as the loser in my relationships, and so I continued to feel rejected for the greater part of my life.  The emotional pain I felt from being so rejected finally moved me to seek a better understanding of what was basically wrong with me that was preventing me from being loved and accepted by others. By digging deeply into my consciousness and sincerely wanting to know the truth, I began to “see” myself from an objective viewpoint; and in doing so I gained the understanding of what had gone wrong in my life.
 

     Because I had been so degraded and humiliated as a child, my self-image had been altered so that I saw myself as being a bad person.  To upgrade my image I had conformed to the dictates of my parents, relatives and teachers—the very ones that undermined it in the first place. In order to conform though, I had to sacrifice my self-hood and individuality, which created a lot of guilt in me.
 

       Once I understood what I had done wrong and was truly sorry for it I stopped the mental degradation that was undermining my self-esteem, and in doing so I regained my confidence and self-respect.  So now I can relate to those who try to downgrade me without resenting them, or myself, if I fail to deal with them perfectly. In that regard,  I CAN THEN REMAIN TRUE TO MYSELF.

     As Shakespeare put it: “To thine own self be true, and it follows as night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man.”